To the Guilt-Burdened Woman

Guilt and womanhood feel so intertwined that I wonder if any of us even know what's ours to carry versus what belongs to the world to take back.

Guilt is the tricky emotion that makes us feel as though we've done something wrong.

So what happens when a group of people is constantly receiving contradictory and critical messages about who they're supposed to be, how they're supposed to act, and what they're supposed to look like? When you try to fit into one box, you're told that's not good enough anymore. You work toward fitting into the next one, and still, you come up short. How can you not absorb guilt when the world keeps telling you that you're constantly doing something wrong?

We're tired. Tired of the expectations, the performing, the impossible standards, the never-ending goalposts that keep moving further and further away. We're expected to be desirable, but not too sexual. Successful, but not intimidating. Independent, but still nurturing. We're criticized for how we look, how we speak, how we parent, how we work, how we love, how much we give, and how much we take for ourselves.

And somehow, we're still left wondering if we're the problem.

I find it fascinating how often we're expected to manage ourselves in response to unrealistic expectations rather than question the expectations themselves. How have we become so accustomed to assuming that when we don't measure up, the problem must be with us? Why are we so quick to internalize messages that, when you really think about it, are often contradictory, unreasonable, and sometimes just plain harmful?

And as I reflect on these questions, I'm drawn to the connection between these expectations and the difficulty I see women experience when setting boundaries.

No wonder it's so difficult for us to say no. Setting boundaries with the people we love can bring up an almost unbearable amount of guilt. Think about how much we can agonize over saying no to another favor asked of us by our parents, over choosing to meet a friend for dinner instead of spending that evening with our children, or over telling a partner that we simply don't have the capacity to take on one more thing. In these moments, we're faced with a choice that can feel almost impossible: Are you going to choose the thing you know you need, or are you going to appease others yet again?

And when we're already carrying so much guilt from the expectations placed on us by the world around us, there is an illusion that choosing the former would be wrong. And since we’re the ones making that choice, that means we’ve done something wrong. And if we’ve done something wrong, we feel more guilt than is tolerable considering the amount we are already carrying before we've even been presented with a decision to make.

So when we finally try to draw a line, it can feel like we're adding another failure to a scale that's already tipped against us. One more person we've disappointed. One more expectation we haven't met. One more reason to question whether we're being selfish.

How are we supposed to make room for our own needs when the very act of having them can make us feel guilty?

I don't think the goal is to live a life without guilt. Especially when it comes to the people we love, making choices that honor our own limits often mean disappointing someone else. But disappointing someone doesn't automatically mean we've done something wrong.

Maybe we need to get better at recognizing when guilt is asking us to take accountability and when it's asking us to make ourselves conform. When we've genuinely hurt someone versus when we've simply disappointed them. When we've acted against our values versus when we've acted against someone else's expectations.

Because guilt can be useful when it helps us recognize that we've caused harm. But it can also keep us stuck when we use it as a reason to abandon ourselves.

Guilt is keeping us small. It's part of a collective process of conditioning women to question themselves, internalize expectations, and take responsibility for other people's disappointment. And in doing so, it takes the responsibility away from the people projecting those expectations in the first place.

We cannot keep treating every feeling of guilt as proof that we owe someone something. We cannot keep measuring our “goodness” by how much we're willing to give, how often we're available, or how little we inconvenience the people around us.

You are allowed to disappoint people. You are allowed to have limits. You are allowed to say no to someone you love while still loving them.

And maybe the shift begins when we start questioning where all this guilt is coming from. How much of what we're carrying actually belongs to us? How much of it have we internalized from expectations that were never realistic to begin with?

I wonder how often we try to make up for the ways we feel we're falling short in the world by making sure we're not disappointing the people closest to us. By making ourselves available, accommodating, and overextending, as if we can somehow make up for all the other ways we feel we're not enough.

But at what cost?

Maybe it's worth considering whether we're continuing to abandon ourselves in our personal lives in an effort to quiet a guilt that extends far beyond them.

Maybe the question isn't why you keep saying yes when you want to say no.

Maybe it's why you've come to believe that disappointing everyone else is worse than continuing to disappoint yourself.

‍ ‍Isabella ♡